Avoiding Relationship Failure

Relationships come in many shapes and sizes. From intensely deep to causal. No matter the relationship—the concept of preferring one another always applies.

This morning as I was preparing a word for a friend whose marring later today, the Lord dropped the word preference into my heart, along with Romans 12:10,

Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves.

Following is a re-post of a blog written about this time last year. This concept is timeless. Please—enjoy and apply!

Just the other day, I had a great conversation with a young bride to be. I was reminded of an amazing concept the Lord deposited in my heart years ago regarding relationships.

This approach to relationships is especially ideal when it comes to marriage.

Before I share this amazing secret with you, let me ask you a question. What do you think is the leading cause of any relationship malfunction and divorce?

Granted, I’m no expert but what God has shown me, is that selfishness and pride are the number one culprits of relationship failure.

I call it, “The Me factor.”

The secret  to relationships is “Preference.” Defined as: to value more highly, to hold before or above; and to give priority to.

Our example is found in Jesus. At the cross He preferred you and me. He knew it would be a brutal endeavor to go through, yet He chose God’s will over His. (Luke 22:42)

The concept unfolds as this—if each person in the relationship/marriage prefers and thinks more highly of the other, caring for the needs of the other person over their own needs, then all needs will be met.

Living a life of preference takes the focus off of our self; what I want—what I need and puts the emphasis on the other person in the relationship. We move out of the selfishness of concentrating on our own wants, needs and desires and tune into what will bless the other person.

Is this an easy way to live? No.

Why? Because in order to be like Jesus we must die daily—we must decrease so He can increase.

The fear to this lifestyle is; what if the other person in the relationship doesn’t want to live a preferring life style? What about Me? How will my needs be met?

Valid concern. The answer—Jesus.

Since He really is, the only one who should or could, complete, fulfill or meet our needs—then He is the answer.

This was a difficult concept to grasp, mainly because it opposed my flesh. But once I submitted to the Lord in this—it changed my life, not to mention all my relationships!

In my marriage I stopped choking the life out of my husband trying to get him to meet my every need. Essentially I discovered that Jesus really is enough for me.

This concept brings freedom. It frees you to go deeper in relationship with God, making Him all you need. It frees you to love others, love your spouse, parents, children and siblings without putting the heavy burden of meeting your needs on them. Basically you are free to love without unreasonable expectations on either party.

I have found such joy and depth in my relationship with God since He asked me to live life in this manner of preference.

I invite you to go deeper. To relinquish your wants, needs and desires to God and let Him be “The One” to complete you. You seriously won’t be sorry—just free. Free to love and be loved!

Divine Rearrangement

I was recently reminded of a time in my life where the landscape of my heart and soul were rearranged. Prior to this divine rearrangement I was unsatisfied with my life and my simple Christianity, I knew there had to be more.

In my thirst I cried out to the Lord asking for His rain, fire, wind and flood. I did this with an unpretentious understanding that He would come and bring something fresh. What I didn’t realize was that it would rearrange my entire life.

When we think of the rain of God—we picture Him showering us with His love, the fire of God is pictured as His intense presence, the wind—His Spirit flowing through us, the flood—an abundance of refreshing.

That’s very poetic, but in all reality when those four elements arrived they overwhelmed everything I knew, and when they left I was rearranged. Rearranged for the better of course—and in the end that’s all that really mattered.

I was reflecting on hurricanes and tsunamis, or storms of any kind—after their initial devastation the landscape, to say the least, is rearranged.

Most times we don’t understand why hardships are allowed to interrupt our life—but what I do know is—God is constantly good, and always has a beautiful purpose for divine rearrangement.

Even the simplest most sought after situations bring rearrangement. Take marriage for example—the young couple so excited to finally live together, embark on their new life and suddenly reality hits—they have to learn to live their life in a whole new manner. It’s no longer about one person, but about selflessly giving your whole self to the person who just invaded your space! Now life is rearranged.

Or how about having a new baby? The couple has hoped and prayed and imagined how wonderful this new precious life will be. And yes, this baby is the most perfect gift. But truth be told—this tiny, adorable child has many needs! And life as you know it is divinely rearranged!

In all situations it’s our heart that matters. We must keep a soft, pliable heart towards God. Embracing the good and the bad—seeking His divine, sovereign purpose—even in rearrangement.

Please be encouraged knowing that if God be for you who can be against you!

Dear brothers and sisters, when troubles come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy. For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. James 1:2-3

The Secret to Relationships

Just the other day, I had a great conversation with a young bride to be. I was reminded of an amazing concept the Lord dropped in my heart years ago regarding relationships.

This approach to relationships is especially ideal when it comes to marriage.

Before I share this amazing secret with you, let me ask you a question. What do you think is the leading cause of any relationship malfunction and divorce?

Granted, I’m no expert but what God has shown me, is that selfishness and pride are the number one culprits of relationship failure.

I call it, “The Me factor.”

The secret  to relationships is “Preference.” Defined as: to value more highly, to hold before or above; and to give priority to.

Our example is found in Jesus. At the cross He preferred you and me. He knew it would be a brutal endeavor to go through, yet He chose God’s will over His. (Luke 22:42)

The concept unfolds as this—if each person in the relationship/marriage prefers and thinks more highly of the other, caring for the needs of the other person over their own needs, then all needs will be met.

Living a life of preference takes the focus off of our self; what I want—what I need and puts the emphasis on the other person in the relationship. We move out of the selfishness of concentrating on our own wants, needs and desires and tune into what will bless the other person.

Is this an easy way to live? No.

Why? Because in order to be like Jesus we must die daily—we must decrease so He can increase.

The fear to this lifestyle is; what if the other person in the relationship doesn’t want to live a preferring life style? What about Me? How will my needs be met?

Valid concern. The answer—Jesus.

Since He really is, the only one who should or could, complete, fulfill or meet our needs—then He is the answer.

This was a difficult concept to grasp, mainly because it opposed my flesh. But once I submitted to the Lord in this, it changed my life, not to mention all my relationships!

In my marriage I stopped choking the life out of my husband trying to get him to meet my every need. Essentially I discovered that Jesus really is enough for me.

This concept brings freedom. It frees you to go deeper in relationship with God, making Him all you need. It frees you to love others, love your spouse, parents and siblings without putting the heavy burden of meeting your needs on them. Basically you are free to love without unreasonable expectations on either party.

I have found such joy and depth in my relationship with God since He asked me to live life in this manner of preference.

I invite you to go deeper. To relinquish your wants, needs and desires to God and let Him be “The One” to complete you. You seriously won’t be sorry—just free. Free to love and be loved!

“Be kindly affectionate to one another with brotherly love, in honor giving preference to one another.” Romans 12:10

Forgive & Love: As if IT Never Happened

Forgiveness, in its self can easily be viewed as the “F” word, unless of course we are the ones receiving the extended forgiveness.

Yet again, I’ve been pondering forgiveness—wondering why it’s so difficult to partake of—why is forgiving so painful?

I’m reminded that forgiving is personal. It is easy to forgive an offense that didn’t personally affect you. But forgiving a wrongdoing that was committed directly to you, is very painstaking.

Forgive defined as:  To grant pardon for an offense, debt, etc.; absolve. To cease to feel resentment against.

I did not grow up with forgiveness as a way of life and I can vividly remember the first time I had to forgive. Truthfully, the whole concept shocked me. Since then I have had a multitude of opportunities to practice forgiving—as I’m sure most of us have. Now forgiveness is my lifestyle.

Of recent, God has added a twist to my lifestyle of forgiveness. He has asked me to forgive and love the person needing the forgiveness, as if the hurtful event never happened.

This is momentous for me. I do not have issue with forgiving or with obeying the Lords directives, but when it comes to living as if IT never happened—my heart groans. This might mean interacting with those that have hurt me, helping, loving and caring for them—being vulnerable—putting my heart on the line—again. Heart ache is my least favorite and I do well to avoid people who cause it.

I’m certain my prayer to be more like Jesus has landed me at this precipice. The example the Lord gave me, when He was talking to me about this, made that fact clear…

When I was fifteen and sixteen, I became pregnant from my high school sweetheart. Both times we aborted the baby. Age eighteen is when I first encountered God’s miraculous forgiveness. His love went deep. He forgave me of my sin of abortion, He healed me, washed me clean of guilt, shame and condemnation. If that wasn’t enough, He remembered it no more—as if IT never happened. Every time God and I draw near to each other, He doesn’t think “Maybe she’ll hurt me again by committing abortion.”

The example the Lord gave me was this…He said “I’m not the kind of Father that every time we sit down at a family dinner, reminds you of the abortions—we live together as if your sins never happened.” God does not remember how I grieved Him with my sin and He does not avoid me. He’s asking me and you—yet again, to be like Him—to forgive and love as if IT never happened—even if it hurts.

I never could have paid the debt of the sin I committed. Jesus’ work on the cross paid it for me—He forgave my debt—in turn He requires I forgive the debt of those that sin against me.

Basically forgiveness is made possible, as we withdraw the ability to forgive out of the abundance of forgiveness that God has extended to us. Being human, the ability to forgive as God does is not in us. It is a supernatural work. That’s good news! We do not have to work forgiveness up inside of ourselves—no we just surrender our inability to forgive and love, then receive His ability. His mercy and grace make this possible.

It’s the same with living as if IT never happened—it is a work God does in and through us. Every situation is different and God may not ask you to interact with the person you are forgiving. The person may never even admit their fault. It is all a matter of the heart. God wants our heart to be pure, undefiled so we can know Him more. He wants our heart to be His home.

I’m saying, “Yes Lord, I will forgive and love as if IT never happened. If it means being like You and knowing You more—it’s worth it!”

What about you?

Please be encouraged to love as Jesus loves!

“I’ll wipe the slate clean for each of them. I’ll forget they ever sinned!”  Jeremiah 31:34

Skillful Living 101—5 Adultery

In Proverbs 5, we take a sincere look at marriage and the number one ploy of the devil to destroy God’s plan for marriage. In Proverbs 5:1-2, the Word cautions all young men to be wise and refrain from lust and immorality. “My son, pay attention to my wisdom; lend your ear to my understanding, that you may preserve discretion, and your lips may keep knowledge.” Four words in this verse are of the utmost importance for men to consider and to apply to their life; wisdom, understanding, discretion and knowledge. According to the scripture men who grab a hold and own these principles will be able to avoid immoral behavior. Men, young and old, do well to pay attention to Proverbs 5. God’s heart for men is that they would rule and subdue the earth. He desires men to humbly love Him, to find Him as Lord and source of their strength. God offers wisdom, understanding, discretion and knowledge in abundance—it’s for the asking. The righteous man only needs to abandon pride, recognize his weakness and partake in all that God has to offer. God is searching for men who will lead by godly behavior—the church, the world, wives and children long for men who will rise to the occasion abandoning costly, destructive actions. Satan on the other hand, sits and applauds while church going men cower to his plan for marriage. Proverbs 5:3-11, uncovers the truth about the immoral woman. She is bitter, sharp, her feet are attached to death, her steps lead to hell and she is unstable. It warns men to remove their way far from her—do not even go near her house, unless you want to give your years to the cruel one. Basically Satan will own you—you will be his tool, if you visit her home and in indulge in her lies. Verses 12-14, relays the gut wrenching, remorseful words men speak after visiting her bed. “How I have hated instruction and my heart despised correction! I have not obeyed the voice of my teachers, nor inclined my ear to those who instructed me!” Verses 15-19, counsels men on the truth of their marriage, telling men “Let your wife be a fountain of blessing for you. Rejoice in the wife of your youth.” Asking in verse 20 “Why should you, my son, be enraptured by an immoral woman, and be embraced in the arms of a seductress?” Adultery—sad to say, is common—even in our churches. Not only does it do the obvious—destroy the covenant of marriage, but destroys God’s plan for the lonely—family. Scripture says God hates divorce but gave it for the hard hearted and only on the grounds of adultery. (Matthew 19:3-9) Satan rejoices when families are devastated by divorce. And that’s not all, Satan is after the strong—the men; he desires to sap away their manhood, steal their faith and lead them to hell. Proverbs 5:21, enlightens us, “For the ways of man are before the eyes of the Lord, and He ponders all his paths.” This verse is water to a thirsty soul. It’s refreshing to be reminded that the God who made heaven and earth sees us and ponders our path. Caring God watches over us, yearning for relationship. That’s what these warnings in Proverbs are all about—a loving God mapping out the pitfalls of life. Cautioning the men of God to avoid foolishness and steer clear of Satan’s plan for their life. Proverbs 5 ends with verses 22-23, telling what will happen to those who do not heed instruction. “His own iniquities entrap the wicked man, and he is caught in the cords of his sin. He shall die for lack of instruction, and in the greatness of his folly he shall go astray.” The Message version of the bible says it this way, “The shadow of your sin will overtake you; you’ll find yourself stumbling all over yourself in the dark. Death is the reward of an undisciplined life; your foolish decisions trap you in a dead-end.” Death is the reward for an undisciplined life—this is true for all of us. I pray our heart would embrace the ways of God. That the men of God would take heed to God’s Word allowing wisdom, understanding, discretion and knowledge to guide them. Most of all I pray that we fall deeper in love with Jesus, craving His presence and living accordingly. Everyone has a relationship with a man, whether it be your husband, son, father, brother or friend. Please be encouraged to cover them in prayer—the enemy is a roaring lion seeking whom he may devour. We must be vigilant. I understand men are not the only ones who commit adultery, women are susceptible as well and many men have been wounded by their wives committing the sin of adultery. Proverbs 5 is for both genders, please apply it accordingly. A note to those who have been devastated by adultery: Lean into to Jesus, He is enough for all your pain and rejection. God will heal you and fill in all your gaps, He will enlarge your heart and help you to find freedom in forgiveness. Skillful Living Tools for Men:

• Grab a hold and apply wisdom, understanding, discretion and knowledge to your life.
• Humbly love God, find Him as Lord and source of your strength.
• Remove your way far from the immoral woman—do not even go near her house.
• Obey the 7th commandment—Do not commit adultery.
• Rejoice in the wife of your youth.
• Abandon pride, recognize your weakness and partake in all that God has for you.
• Embrace instruction and correction.

Skillful Living Tools for Women:

• Do not be an immoral woman.
• Do not associate with immoral women.
• Pray without ceasing for the men in your life.