Tag: secret to relationships

Avoiding Relationship Failure

05/25/201311/17/2019 · 6 Comments ·

Relationships come in many shapes and sizes. From intensely deep to causal. No matter the relationship—the concept of preferring one another always applies.

This morning as I was preparing a word for a friend whose marring later today, the Lord dropped the word preference into my heart, along with Romans 12:10,

Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves.

Following is a re-post of a blog written about this time last year. This concept is timeless. Please—enjoy and apply!

Just the other day, I had a great conversation with a young bride to be. I was reminded of an amazing concept the Lord deposited in my heart years ago regarding relationships.

This approach to relationships is especially ideal when it comes to marriage.

Before I share this amazing secret with you, let me ask you a question. What do you think is the leading cause of any relationship malfunction and divorce?

Granted, I’m no expert but what God has shown me, is that selfishness and pride are the number one culprits of relationship failure.

I call it, “The Me factor.”

The secret to relationships is “Preference.” Defined as: to value more highly, to hold before or above; and to give priority to.

Our example is found in Jesus. At the cross He preferred you and me. He knew it would be a brutal endeavor to go through, yet He chose God’s will over His. (Luke 22:42)

The concept unfolds as this—if each person in the relationship/marriage prefers and thinks more highly of the other, caring for the needs of the other person over their own needs, then all needs will be met.

Living a life of preference takes the focus off of our self; what I want—what I need and puts the emphasis on the other person in the relationship. We move out of the selfishness of concentrating on our own wants, needs and desires and tune into what will bless the other person.

Is this an easy way to live? No.

Why? Because in order to be like Jesus we must die daily—we must decrease so He can increase.

The fear to this lifestyle is; what if the other person in the relationship doesn’t want to live a preferring life style? What about Me? How will my needs be met?

Valid concern. The answer—Jesus.

Since He really is, the only one who should or could, complete, fulfill or meet our needs—then He is the answer.

This was a difficult concept to grasp, mainly because it opposed my flesh. But once I submitted to the Lord in this—it changed my life, not to mention all my relationships!

In my marriage I stopped choking the life out of my husband trying to get him to meet my every need. Essentially I discovered that Jesus really is enough for me.

This concept brings freedom. It frees you to go deeper in relationship with God, making Him all you need. It frees you to love others, love your spouse, parents, children and siblings without putting the heavy burden of meeting your needs on them. Basically you are free to love without unreasonable expectations on either party.

I have found such joy and depth in my relationship with God since He asked me to live life in this manner of preference.

I invite you to go deeper. To relinquish your wants, needs and desires to God and let Him be “The One” to complete you. You seriously won’t be sorry—just free. Free to love and be loved!

Jesus IS Enough

04/05/2013 · 2 Comments ·

To live a lifestyle where Jesus is enough, we have to walk submitted to His will in regard to all things both big and small. We also have to purpose as the Psalmist did, in Psalm 33:22 and 62:5 to put all our hope and expectation in Him alone:

Let your unfailing love surround us, LORD, for our hope is in you alone. Psalm 33:22

My soul, wait silently for God alone, For my expectation is from Him. Psalm 62:5

When God started to require me to live in the manner where He is all I need, He introduced the concept of Jesus being enough through my best friend Cathy. Over and over again I would ask her to explain what it means for Jesus to be enough.

Has God ever asked you to do something that you feel totally unqualified for? For me it seems this way quite often, especially during difficulties and suffering. In these times, I find myself saying to the Lord, “I can’t do it… but You can.” This is the essence of Jesus being enough. It’s where we come up short, knowing He will make up the difference and equip us for whatever He asks us to do or walk through.

To better understand the concept of Jesus being enough, visualize a rough wood surface covered with divots, grooves and holes. Now imagine a large putty knife or trowel smoothing spackle over the rough surface. This results in all the unsightly blemishes and empty holes being filled in and smoothed out. In this same manner, Jesus fills us in where we are lacking.

This concept was hard to grasp, mainly because at the time, I was still living primarily in my soul. The “Me” factor did not like the idea of losing its independence and having to become solely dependent on God. My soul found it hard to trust Jesus alone, mainly because I wanted to be in charge of my life and its direction.

For months on end Jesus would ask me, “Am I enough?” My response was “yes” but inside emptiness gnawed at me. The questions continually came: “If I never did another thing for you, am I enough? If your life never got any better than this, am I enough? If you lost everything dear to you, would I be enough?” Again my response was, “Well of course, Lord.” I struggled with letting Him be enough, but I did not want to admit it. I thought that if I committed to letting Him alone fill me then I would not get what I wanted. Finally, I answered Him truthfully, “No Lord, I’m sorry, You are not enough, but I want You to be.” This pivotal moment of truth set my journey for more depth and passion with God into further motion.

A lot of Christians do not even know that Jesus is not enough for them. The reason—we get so busy living and filling our lives with temporal treasures. I personally have found myself in pursuit of the American dream many times. If our primary concerns for ourselves are to acquire money, possessions, self-gratification, praise, status and the like, then we can be sure these things, not Jesus, complete us. Therefore, it would be fair to say Jesus is not enough. Jesus is asking us if He alone is enough, or if we need our health and all our temporal treasures to be complete.

One more way to know if Jesus is enough is to examine your actions when a storm hits or when you’re simply confronted by a rough day. What do you reach for? The phone to call a friend? The internet? Sleep? Pain relievers or antidepressants? Comfort food? Do you escape and watch TV or a movie? Or maybe you just default to your soul and you emotionally act out of stress, taking it out on everyone in your path with a nasty, bad attitude like I used to do. My comfort was also found in sleeping. When life got tough I would close my door, shut my life out and take a nap. This was one way I could avoid the truth. Other times I would look for consolation by calling a friend or escaping with a good love story chick flick.

Now that I am living in the reality of Jesus being enough, I follow a simple self-discipline guideline—I do not allow myself to call a friend unless I first call on Jesus. It’s the same with the movie—no escapism. I first have to check out the greatest love story of all…the Bible! The best news is, I rarely ever feel like shutting life out with a nap anymore. Instead, I shut myself into Jesus as my only comfort.

Jesus is enough where relationships are concerned

If relationships are let go into the hands of God and if we can turn to God as the one who fills us—not people—then we are free.

1. We are free from the emotional roller coaster that some relationships bring.

2. We can let go of all our unhealthy expectations of people.

3. Most important, we are free to just love people without choking the life out of them while trying to extract from them what we need to make us feel complete.

God longs to complete us, He wants to be enough for us where relationships are concerned. Sometimes the people we love just don’t have it in them to meet our needs—nor should they. Only God should have that role in our lives. If we let Jesus be enough then we can have healthier, freer relationships that are not all bound up by human expectations.

God has shown me that as I let Him be my everything, even in relationships, I am free to love without expecting anything in return. My love then is based out of purity and truth instead of manipulation

In the past, I tried so hard to make the people that I love, love me like I thought they should. That is reasonable when it comes to your spouse and parents because there are certain responsibilities that come with these relationships. But not everyone is whole enough to love as they should. This was true for my family. Rejection, betrayal and abandonment brought so much sorrow and pain that I would not have been able to function properly if God had not used this concept to help me love, honor and respect as the Bible requires me to.

In one of the most pressing times in my life I wanted to give up on my marriage. I knew it was not God’s plan that I give up and in a very dark season God turned to me and asked me some serious questions. “If your marriage never got any better, would you still love Me? Could I be enough for you? Could I be your husband? Would you allow Me to love you where he can’t? Could you love your husband for Me? Could you lay down your life as a bridge to him? Could you bridge his path to Me with your life and allow Me to be enough for you?”

I never could have done any of this without first giving my life up to Jesus and clinging to Him. Yes, it was agonizing and painful but by the grace of God I chose to let Jesus be enough for me.

I encourage you to be found in Him alone and to let Him fill in all the blanks in your life. Jesus undoubtedly is enough

Skillful Living 101—21 Obedience

01/24/201301/24/2013 · 2 Comments ·

How many people like the word obedience? Culture—even Christian culture, considers those who are concerned with obedience to be narrow-minded, old fashioned or too religious. Regardless of what we think about obedience—it is a requirement for living skillfully.

Proverbs 21:3 says,

To do righteousness and justice is more acceptable to the Lord than sacrifice.

God is pleased with a surrendered, tender and obedient heart, far more than with a heart and life that give service (sacrifice) void of love. This is true in all of life; no matter if we are serving God, family, church or our community—a heart based in the love of God can only pour forth love, righteousness, justice, mercy and grace.

Mark 12:33 tells us that loving God with our whole heart is superior over sacrifice,

And to love Him with all the heart, with all the understanding, with all the soul, and with all the strength, and to love one’s neighbor as oneself, is more than all the whole burnt offerings and sacrifices.

What this means is that God is far more concerned with our heart. He’s not into empty rituals, or just going through the motions. He doesn’t want to give us a list of rules to follow so we can be qualified as His. No, He wants relationship—the kind of relationship where we live in obedience—simply because we love Him. Obedience birthed out of love is what keeps us from the empty rituals of Christianity.

Proverbs—the book of skillful living, gives solid advice on how to live in obedience and avoid living a life filled with empty rituals.

Proverbs 21

Verse 2—“Every way of a man is right in his own eyes, but the Lord weighs and tries the hearts.”

Commit our way (heart and life) to Lord—obey His directives

Verse 5—“The thoughts of the [steadily] diligent tend only to plenteousness, but everyone who is impatient and hasty hastens only to want.”

Obedience to diligence pays off

Verse 9 and 19—“Better to dwell in a corner of a housetop, than in a house shared with a contentious woman.” “Better to dwell in the wilderness, than with a contentious and angry woman.” (Deep wisdom here for us ladies!)

Our relationship with God needs to be the most important or else everything we do will be an empty ritual
If Jesus is not enough—women (and men) become unhappy and quarrelsome
We must let the Lord be our source of love and joy or we will be contentious

Verse 10—“The soul or life of the wicked craves and seeks evil; his neighbor finds no favor in his eyes.”

A blameless person obeys God’s directive to love his neighbor as himself

Verse 13—“Whoever stops his ears at the cry of the poor will cry out himself and not be heard.”

Obedience to God regarding a heart for the needy (both physical and spiritual) is imperative for our own answered prayers

Verse 21—“He who follows righteousness and mercy finds life, righteousness, and honor.”

Obedience to righteous living results in favor

Verse 29—“Unscrupulous people fake it a lot; honest people are sure of their steps.”

Dishonesty is an empty ritual
Honesty allows us to be confident

Verse 30—“There is no wisdom or understanding or counsel against the Lord.”

There is none like Him
There is no one who can stand against Him and win
Obedience to God’s authority is essential

Verse 31—“The horse is prepared for the day of battle, but deliverance is of the Lord.”

Obedience to complete reliance on God brings deliverance

Skillful Living Tool Box

Obedience is a requirement for living skillfully
Loving God is superior over sacrifice, Mark 12:33
God is not into empty rituals, 1 Samuel 15:22
Obedience to diligence pays off
Our relationship with God needs to be the most important or else everything we do will be an empty ritual
If Jesus is not enough—we become contentious
Love your neighbor as your self
A heart for the needy is imperative for our own answered prayers
Dishonesty is an empty ritual
Honesty allows us to be confident
Obedience to God’s authority is essential
Complete reliance on God brings deliverance

Please be encouraged to embrace obedience—for no reason other than love.

Do you think all God wants are sacrifices— empty rituals just for show? He wants you to listen to him! Plain listening is the thing, not staging a lavish religious production. Not doing what God tells you is far worse than fooling around in the occult. 1 Samuel 15:22

Read and apply all of Proverbs 21 and please share with those who need to live skillfully!

Check out the Skillful Living Tool Box (updated) at the top of this page!

Text, E-mail or Facebook God?

07/09/201207/09/2012 · 2 Comments ·

What’s your routine when it comes to spending time with God? Do you fire off a list of wants and desires? Or do you sit, relate with God, and enjoy a conversation with Him?

Understandably, in today’s culture of texting, e-mailing, facetime and Facebook, relating is foreign. Besides life is busy and taking time to sit and have a conversation with anyone is difficult and very time-consuming, let alone with someone you can’t see—such as God.

About a decade ago, God began to move me in the direction of relating and conversing with Him instead of just asking Him to do something for me.

I’m a very visual person and when God speaks to me I often see (in a vision) what He is trying to say to me. I love this form of communication that we have, because it makes it easier to not forget what He says.

Following are two instances (the writings taken from my book) of when God spoke to me, regarding spending time with Him. These visions are forever burned in my memory and hold a special place in my heart.

When life gets busy or when stress causes me to want to just ask God, instead of relate with Him, I recall these visions and settle into God’s peace. My hope is that they will become the thing you remember and go back to, when you’re tempted to hurry and worry your prayers to God.

When the Lord so graciously gave me these visions I was in a season of getting to know Him as Father, Spouse and Friend. He was moving me out of thinking of Him as this big, ominous Wizard of OZ kind of God.

If you suffer from not being able to relate to God because He seems unreachable and aloof, I challenge you to move into a new direction in your relationship with Him. But remember, anything of remaining value, does not happen overnight. Push through—it’s worth it!

Caution: (for some) God will call your bluff—if you’re just trying to move into relating to Him because you want to ask without guilt—it will take longer. God desires we get close to Him for no other reason than to have a relationship with Him.

The following are excerpts from my book Thirsty Heart.

Taken from the chapter; Entering God’s Rest:

This concept for some may take a paradigm shift in thinking. I remember the first time God brought this concept to my attention. I was in the beginning stages of learning to know Jesus as my Bridegroom. The Holy Spirit would wake me in the middle of the night and I would spend hours just worshiping and loving Him. I began to feel worried and anxious that I wasn’t spending enough time in intercession praying for specific needs. My Bible Study teacher and I were talking about this and her words spoke peace to my heart. She reminded me that it is in the place of intimacy with Jesus that our deepest desires are heard. They are met by God’s heart of love and adoration for us. During this intense period of my life, I would listen to a CD that played songs with the lyrics from the book of Song of Solomon. One of the songs quoted the scripture from Song of Solomon 8:5, “Who is this coming up from the wilderness leaning on her beloved?” I was singing this song and pictured myself coming up from the wilderness, completely dependent on Him, leaning on Jesus. As He and I walked over the hills, to the side of us I noticed the cross which was surrounded by a beautiful well-kept flower garden. We walked on and in my concern I asked Him, “How can I spend so much of my prayer time not praying; there are so many needs I should be praying for?”

He asked me if I remembered seeing the cross.
I responded, “Yes.”
“Do you remember the garden surrounding it?”
“Yes.”
“Those flowers are your prayers.”

The flowers were my prayers, but I never planted them. The Lord was telling me He knew my heart. When I spend time with Him, I leave all the concerns of my heart (prayers) at the cross, where He plants and tends to them. He will water, apply the fertilizer, pull the weeds and fend off the insects. I did not have to panic and beg God, but simply hide and rest in Him. The well-watered garden of flowers were my children flourishing at the cross, stretching toward heaven, drinking in the Son, bathing in the light of the resurrection. They were the prayers for my marriage, all my struggles, hopes and dreams, laid down to God in this quiet, secret place. They were God’s to do what He desired with them.

The next quotation is taken from the chapter; The Father Issue:

One morning while praying, I saw myself outside a beautiful castle where royalty lived. I was among many people, all who were peasants. I was dressed as they were in an old, dirty, torn dress. I was waving a white paper at the King who lived inside. On the paper was a list of demands (prayers) that I wanted the King to answer. I was begging the King to do something for me.
Jesus, the King’s Son came out and took me inside. He gently explained that I was not a peasant. I was royalty—I was family—reminding me it’s about relationship—not answered prayers.
I could walk the halls of the King’s house, hand in hand with Him. Conversing and relating with Him regularly, whenever I had a need all I had to do was turn to Him and simply ask. Then rely on His faithfulness, finding my peace in His trustworthiness, allowing His will to be done—no worrying, no begging, just resting in relationship.

There is nothing wrong with asking God for anything, after all, everything we have comes from Him. We have to remember God is not a genie who does not require relationship—on the contrary—relationship with God must be our foundation.

Essentially, just asking God, is void of relationship. Although we live in a non-communicative culture, we do not have to get caught up in it, especially where God is concerned. We cannot text, facetime, e-mail or Facebook God—no, we have to spend actual face to face, heart to heart time in relationship with Him.

I hope this helps you move out of just asking, and into conversing and relating to Him.

Please be encouraged to press this issue in your life—what lays ahead, is relationship with our loving God.

When You said, “Seek My face,” my heart said to You, “Your face, Lord, I will seek.” Psalm 27:8

The Secret to Relationships

05/28/201205/29/2012 · 2 Comments ·

Just the other day, I had a great conversation with a young bride to be. I was reminded of an amazing concept the Lord dropped in my heart years ago regarding relationships.